Love (Not-so-Patiently Waiting...)

My Graduation!!!

I graduated this morning, not from any school or training program but from my own mental bondage.

My commencement took place at 4:00 a.m. as I mulled over some feelings I’d been having recently. I came to a realization…

I’ve always had “issues” with love. Relationships would flourish and then go stale all in the span of 6 months to a year. Sometimes I would end it and other times the guys would. Regardless of who was at fault I always knew at my core that “he” wasn’t for me and I wasn’t for him. Even with this knowing I would still go into bouts of depression believing that something must be wrong with me. It didn’t matter that I was a good person, loving, loyal and supportive. It didn’t matter because all the relationships would inevitably come to an end.

This was my pattern but I know now that this pattern was actually me being forced to repeat the same class again and again until I received the lesson or got a passing grade. These men were essentially all put in my path for the purpose of helping me see my true self. My true self is love and strength. My false self operates in lack and fear.

For years my value and worth was determined by whether a man wanted me or wanted to keep me (ironically, it didn’t even matter if I wanted him). If so and so loves me and wants to be with me I must be of value. If he doesn’t I must not be worthy. No. The truth is though I am a flawed being I am inherently good. I am worthy and of high value. My view of myself will no longer be determined by any Tom, Dick or Harry that I date.

At my predawn ceremony I proceeded to list those who had disregarded me so easily. I stated their names followed by the phrase… didn’t want me.

_________ Didn’t want me…

_________ Didn’t want me…

_________ Didn’t want me…

Repeating this over and over again didn’t bring about tears or self pity instead it brought about freedom and relief. I finally got it. The lesson. It was never about the men (I still have yet to encounter the great love of my life). It was however about this lie that I concocted over the course of my life. The lie that I am unworthy and am of little value unless someone says otherwise.

I am now free of this lie. Of all the graduations I’ve participated in this is the one I am most proud of. I thank the men who played a role in helping me to replace this lie with the truth. And I welcome the love that is coming as a result.

Thank You Spirit…

P.S. My graduation song is Love on Top by Beyonce because I finally put my love for myself on top 🙂

…Nothing’s perfect, but it’s worth it after fighting through my tears
And finally you put me first

Baby it’s you.
You’re the one I love.
You’re the one I need.
You’re the only one I see.

Come on baby it’s you.

You’re the one that gives your all.
You’re the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top.

Ooh! Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
You put my love on top.
Ooh oooh!  Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
My love on top.
My love on top.

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